Alanis: Yes, I am sick, but I am not going to let you know it. By the time you read this message, I am likely going to be meeting Josh and Jeter at the Rainbow Bridge (either that or I didn’t do a good job of hiding this note, in which case: Oops…sorry for the scare). This “death” thing is not registering inside of me. I don’t live my life fearing the end – I live every day as a new beginning. I am sick? So what. It is time to go play chase with Tucker and tug-of-war with JJ. I am sick? Big deal. I need to get up and greet you when you walk through the door. I am starting to feel some pain when I go up the stairs? No worries, I will still do it because I want to be with my pack. I am sleeping more, eating less? I really don’t want to do that, because I know it scares you. However, sometimes my body just isn’t letting me hide my ailments. I will still do my best to make sure I don’t scare you too much, however. I may be changing in many ways, but my spirit is still here. I want you to know that there wasn’t anything you could have done to “save me.”
“But, Alanis, you are only six years old!” Humans are the only living creatures on the planet who decide to put numbers on everything. “What is your five-year plan? Where do you see yourself in ten years?” Sit back and relax, dude. Five years from now? Who cares? Five minutes from now isn’t guaranteed, so take your five-year plan, throw it in an envelope, and burn it. I live in the here and now. I don’t care if I live for six minutes, six days, six weeks, six months, or six years. I will take any time you give to me and make the most of it. In my first year of life, I had to switch families due to an allergy. That was the only stressor my life ever saw. I got to play with four different male Golden Retrievers in this house. I was able to play ball whenever I wanted, flail around toys to make you laugh, have “fits” on the staircase, eat two hearty meals per day, and sleep wherever I pleased (including stealing a chair that they bought for Daddy’s use. Sorry, Daddy – you didn’t get to be Archie Bunker). I went on several doggie play dates (until the pandemic shut those down!), went to a “fun” class where I was learning things without really knowing it, was able to go on several Christmas light tours. Ice cream was a favorite occasional treat, peanut butter was yummy to lick off my lips, and long walks on a crisp fall day allowed me to explore the world as only I can. And you are going to sit there and mourn my passing? My life was a gift – a gift for me, a gift for other dogs, a gift for you. My life is not to be mourned – it is to be celebrated. Yes, maybe it was shorter than the lives of many other dogs. Pffft. I did more in my six years than many dogs will do in 15. I will never feel sorry for myself. Remember me for the years I gave you. I really wish I could give you more, but my life is complete.
Since I am asked a lot about how I acquired this name, the answer is yes: I was named after Alanis Morissette, who is Daddy’s favorite singer. I came into this house with the name “Milky Way”, which meant either my original owner was a lover of the universe or had a taste for nougat and caramel. I guess I couldn’t go wrong either way. As the story goes, Mommy subscribes to a Golden Retriever Rescue e-mail list and my profile came through one morning when Daddy was on her computer loading Alanis CDs onto their iPod. He opened the profile, contacted the owner instantly, and I was here within a few days.
I spanned two different generations of dogs in this house. I came here as the third dog underneath “Josh” (large and in charge) and “Jeter” (my forever best friend). They showed me the ropes on how the “dog rules” work in this house (essentially teaching me that the dogs set the rules and just let the humans pretend as if they are). Josh wasn’t always fond of my exuberance, but only once did he tell me to back down. That was all I needed to understand that he was more willing to bond with me when I was calm rather than when I was an out-of-control maniac.
How strong was my bond with Jeter? True story: Several months ago, my Mommy found one of Jeter’s old bowls and took it out of the closet. I instantly reacted to it – as if in that one moment, my best friend was home with me again. It was a touching moment of showing how strong a dog bond can be. We weren’t always “together” like Josh and Jeter were, as I would sleep in Daddy’s office while Jeter would rest with Mommy. But when we were together, we were inseparable.
Josh and Jeter passing away were devastating to me. I was in a territory that I no longer loved, even if I started my life as an only dog. I needed some dog companionship. If dogs can go into a state of depression, I was there. I would still eat my meals (I mean, I still am a Golden Retriever!), but I wasn’t as playful. I wasn’t as willing to go for walks. My only solace was getting to play with “Winchester” once a week in a dog class. Winchester (another Golden) would play a vital role in my future as a dog. He was even more exuberant than I was. He would chase me all over the training facility, often running over me and making me question what it was I wanted to do with my life (maybe I could be demoted to a human being for a few hours every week?). But little did I know that my life was going to change and that Winchester was not only there to give me a playmate. He was there to show me how life can be with a younger, more insane dog.
“JJ” entered my life not long after Jeter passed away, but it felt like an eternity. He was brought home as an eight-week-old puppy. While many dogs would jump for joy at the sight of a puppy entering the house, I ran upstairs, refusing to come down to meet up with my new brother. How weird is that? I was in a state of depression as an only dog, but was uncomfortable when a new dog came into the house! Nobody ever claimed that I made sense, folks. JJ and I eventually created a bond. We went everywhere together – I was with him on the beach. We took rides around town. We took walks together, ate together, begged for treats together, slept by each other. JJ was given a lifetime puppy pass from me, as I never strongly reacted to any of his naughty behaviors. I would allow him to crawl all over me, crowd my space, bite my ears (playfully, of course), tug on my collar. Never once, even as he transformed into an adult, did I yell at him. I know he respected me as the elder dog (I am the only dog he has ever licked!), and that was enough for me. While I was never an old dog, my parents still felt that it would be nice to get “JJ” a young male playmate, and that is when “Tucker” turned this house into chaos. They were going to force me to get along with TWO young males, neither of whom were neutered at the time. Yeah, humans – you think you have it rough? Try keeping two hormone-filled lunatics in line. Tucker was a great dog for me, as he loves to play chase around the yard (JJ does as well, but not to the level of Tucker!). It kept me feeling young and alive. We often “argued” (barked at each other!), but it was never malicious. Suffice to say, I was an unfair mentor as JJ’s lifetime puppy pass was not extended to Tucker, who I instantly learned needed some tough love if he was going to make it in this crazy dog world. I hope I played a major role in getting him to turn down the insanity dial a notch or three.
I take great pride in being the “middle dog.” You won’t be hearing me saying “Josh, Josh, Josh” or “Tucker, Tucker, Tucker.” I loved my time as the dog at the bottom of the list. Morphing into the big dog at the top of the chain was an incredible feeling for me. I never was the most confident of dogs (dog training and supervised play dates helped me break out of my shell), but I was able to figure things out. I figured out that this world isn’t as scary as we dogs sometimes want to believe. While our humans are scared during the biggest health crisis in a century, we are there to help them get through it, whether it is by laying by their side as they are sick or relieving their boredom since they are spending more time away from their friends and family. Our loyalty never wavers. You can get aggravated over something stupid we do (I am sorry for chewing those holes in the wall – but that was your fault for giving me so much freedom when I first arrived here!), but we don’t care. The next time you ask me to lay next to you, I will.
To Josh/Jeter: I will be seeing you both shortly on the Rainbow Bridge. I will try respecting your boundaries this time, Josh…but I make no guarantees. Jeter, I hope there are plenty of tennis balls over that bridge because you know the first thing I want to do is have a competition on who can get to the ball first.
To JJ: I know you are only two, but the torch as top dog is now yours. Take my lessons on how to deal with “Tucker” and apply them whenever it is warranted. You are more of a silent, independent, stoic dog than most. I find that to be rather fascinating about you. Keep jumping to the moon and showing off that confident strut. You are an amazing dog.
To Tucker: I know we had our “disagreements” at times (haha), but damn did I love your energy. We played hard and we played rough (I had to adjust my playstyle based on whether I was playing with JJ or Tucker!), and there was never a dull moment with you. I am so happy they brought you into this pack. Keep bonding with JJ, as you two are going to need each other more than ever before. I am turning in my referee shirt and whistle (bark), so please play safely and fairly.
To Winchester (and his owner, Rachel, who trained me): You were my first Golden Retriever friend from outside this house. You taught me patience and gave me all the tools I needed to help me deal with an incoming puppy. I miss our playdates (along with all the other dogs we met up with weekly). They may not have lasted long due to the pandemic, but they sure were a blast.
To my original family: Thank you so much for making sure you found a great home for me. I know your decision was hard, but you also knew it was right. Without you being thorough in choosing a new home for me, who knows where I would have ended up?
To Daddy: I enjoyed our walks, and I know you are going to miss me chasing you around downstairs, barking at you, and jumping all over you when you “faked” falling to the ground. I carried on that tradition from “Josh”, and I hope one or both of the boys pick up on it. Thanks for all the training you took me to and for turning me into a tremendous “tricks” dog. Doing tricks was one of my favorite things ever.
To Mommy: Thanks for all the Golden Retriever love. We know how much you love our breed and how painful it is when we have to say goodbye. Thank you for feeding me twice a day, taking me on various rides all over the place, the fancy collars and leashes, and the ultra-cute and fun toys. I tried to carrying on the tradition of laying near you every night, though I know I couldn’t be at quite the same level as Jeter (who could be at that level?). Remember all the fun and happy moments we had, and your sadness will turn into a smile.
To everyone: This life has been wonderful. I can’t possibly thank everyone enough for giving me the life I would never claim to deserve. I went all-in on being the best dog I could possibly be to every human and dog I encountered on my journey. I never was able to catch one of those squirrels in the backyard, but if that is the only regret I have in life, that must mean I lived the best possible life I could. “Only six years” sounds so silly now, does it not? I will put up my six years against the six years of any living being on this planet and come out on top. I know this is painful for you to go through. I am a Golden Retriever, and the major twist at the end of our journey is that the thing we try to protect you from is the one thing you end up mourning the most – our loss. Keep all the great times together in your hearts, in your brain, and in your soul. That is what we want out of our lives – to leave a lasting impression that you will never forget. And if *I* didn’t leave an impression, no dog ever will. Peace and love until we meet again – Alanis
Me: This death was rather shocking to many. I wish I could sit here and tell you “We saw this, this, and this – so please be aware of these symptoms with your dog”, but there wasn’t much there to make us feel she was as sick as she probably was. She did stop eating her kibble a few days before her passing but was scarfing down chicken and rice as if she was the healthiest dog on the planet. She wasn’t turning down her treats, which made me think she was “holding out for more” when we fed her, rather than thinking she was too sick to eat the kibble.
We know that Josh died due to natural causes and that Jeter had cancer. We will never get a similar answer on Alanis, though I have begun suspecting hemangiosarcoma, which is the cancer Jeter died from. While Jeter started showing signs of the cancer weeks before his diagnosis, many dogs do not (which is a scary part of the disease). Any symptoms they do show can be brushed off easily as something different. You don’t suspect that your active dog who suddenly decides to skip a meal has cancer. You will jump to other conclusions and guess what? Most of the time, those other conclusions will turn out to be right. I will always advocate for bringing your dog to the vet if you have any concerns about how they are acting. Nobody (NOBODY!) knows your dog better than you do. If something feels off, don’t be afraid to speak up. In some cases (like Alanis), you may never get that feeling until it is way too late. I can sit here for hours, typing up “signs” that are nothing more than 20/20 hindsight. Don’t fall into the trap of “Was this subtle thing my dog did five months ago a sign the dog was sick?” because you will never, ever, ever, ever win that game against yourself.
I do want to be clear that this is only a suspicion that isn’t supported by any actual diagnostic tests. We never got to the point where we asked for diagnostic testing. There are many diseases and ailments that could have contributed to her death. Having a suspicion is not having a diagnosis.
Alanis was a tremendous dog and a blessing in this house. We wanted a young female for Josh and Jeter and she was the perfect addition for both of them. I will never forget the day they met in a dog park (silly me never took a picture of their first meeting). Those memories feel as if they happened both yesterday and 20 years ago. It is a strange feeling knowing that all three have since passed on.
You were the link between two generations of male dogs in this house, Alanis – and the perfect girl for that job. Our hearts are broken, but we know just how much you loved your life and did all you could to bring us joy. We love you, our sweet angel.
